Why Your Partner Doesn’t Appreciate You, and How to Improve This?

If your partner does not appreciate and value you, there could be three reasons for that, a) they just don’t and won’t ever appreciate or value you, b) they just cannot appreciate or value you, or c) they don’t think they need to show their appreciation.

1. They Just Don’t and Won’t Ever Appreciate and Value You

Let’s start with the first reason, they just don’t and won’t ever appreciate or value you. As difficult as it might be to face the truth, your partner may not genuinely care about you or love you the way you need him/her to, for them to put the effort into you and the relationship.  Unfortunately, you cannot make someone appreciate and value you if they do not genuinely care, love and respect you the way that you need them to, nor can you make them put the necessary effort and care that is needed to have a good and healthy relationship with them.  Whether they genuinely cared and loved you in the beginning of the relationship, and over time this slowly died, or whether the level of care and love was never there in the first place, you now have a dilemma to face. Do you stay and keep putting a lot of effort into your relationship to keep it afloat or do you end the relationship?  This will depend on two factors, the degree of tolerance that you have, and the effect it is having on your mental and physical wellbeing.  [magicactionbox]

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

That will depend on the degree of tolerance that you have left.  When you bash your head against a brick wall for so long and achieve nothing in the end, your hope for the change that you need eventually decreases, and resentment instead begins to set in.  The day that you decide to leave your partner and the relationship will be when your resentment outweighs your tolerance and hope.  In the meantime, until you reach that point, you will continue to do everything in your power to make it work, and hopefully eventually realise that your effort only is what has been keeping your relationship together.  Afterall, why would your partner want to leave a relationship that he/she is reaping the benefits from that they don’t have to put any effort into?  It’s like being equal partners in a company where one partner gets to enjoy all the profits, without having to take any risks or put any effort. while the other partner takes all the risks and puts in all the efforts.    A relationship works with the same concept as a business does.  Without both partners putting in an equal amount of effort, and equally sharing all of the risks, and continuously looking at ways to improve the organisation, it won’t survive.  

The state of your mental and physical health is another determinant of whether you will stay or leave a relationship that you are getting nothing from.  Unfortunately, the quality of our relationships has a significant effect on our mental state.  When we don’t feel valued, respected, and appreciated by the people in our lives it not only takes a toll on our wellbeing but also on our self-esteem.  Our self-worth and how we feel about ourselves heavily depends on how we are treated by others. The quality of your relationship/s will not only have an influence on your self-esteem and self-confidence, but also on your happiness and health.  Unfortunately, a lot of people in these circumstances stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should, usually in the hope that it will improve, but only to find out that it doesn’t (regardless of the effort they put into it), and end up walking away mentally, emotionally, and physically depleted.  

2. They Just Cannot Appreciate or Value You

What if your partner does love and care for you, but cannot show his/her appreciation for you? While they might be fully aware of what it is that they need to give you and the relationship as your partner, something is preventing them from doing it. They want to do the right thing by you, but something is blocking their ability to do it.  The most common barriers in these situations are; low self-esteem, perfectionistic tendencies, and mental illness.  Again, these are barriers that only your partner has the control to change. The only control that you have is to encourage them to seek professional help for the sake of your relationship.

Lack of Self-Esteem

People who suffer from low self-esteem typically believe that they possess more weaknesses than qualities, and as a result can find it very difficult to allow themselves to show their feelings towards their partner for fear of rejection.  To cope with their own feelings of worthlessness, they need to seek reassurance and attention from their partner, and can plug into them like a lifeline.  This can be very draining and unfulfilling for the other person. If your partner suffers from low self-esteem, then you will notice how they keep their cards very close to their heart, they don’t give away too much of what is playing on their mind, they tend to stay in their comfort zone, they don’t cope very well with change, they can be demanding and dependent on you, and tend to keep to themselves.  They tend to admire and begrudge their partner at the same time for being able to do what they don’t have the confidence to do themselves. Their main fear is that you might see them in the negative way that they perceive themselves, and lose respect for them, hence why they keep their thoughts, feelings, and fears to themselves.  Unfortunately, their constant need to camouflage their lack of self-esteem and fears, can come across as arrogance, self-centredness, and uncaring. Hence, why you may not feel appreciated and valued.  Their lack of appreciation is either an unhealthy coping mechanism that they deliberately use, or a symptom of poor self-esteem which is nondeliberate. They are so focused on doing whatever is necessary to feel worthy, and cope with the negative emotions that come with a lack of self-esteem, that they do not have the capability or energy to put the effort in you and the relationship. 

Perfectionistic Tendencies

It is very difficult to feel appreciated and valued by a perfectionistic partner, especially when their own health and wellbeing is not a priority.  Perfectionists might appear self-centred, but this is usually because they’re on a mission to achieve and to succeed, to feed their egos.  They believe that to be worthy you need to achieve and succeed, and never fail.  In order to achieve this, they put one hundred percent into everything that they do, and avoid anything that they do not think they will be able to do one hundred percent.  They are typically people who tend to be ‘doers’ not so much ‘feelers’ and this can significantly interfere in their relationship/s.  They often see talking about their feelings, or expressing their feelings and fears as a sign of weakness, and therefore, deliberately hold off on doing this for fear of losing respect from others.  This can be a very difficult thing to deal with as their partner because the relationship becomes more practical and less emotional.  Because perfectionists have a need to always achieve one hundred percent, they can also be highly critical not only of others, but also of themselves.  As such, their intolerance for imperfection drives them to criticise more than to praise. They can be workaholics and over-commit, and will choose to do things that will give them a sense of achievement, and avoid doing things that they see meaningless, like socialising. Their lack of need to connect with others makes it difficult to have a fulfilling relationship with them.  Their lack of praise and high criticalness can also make them come across as unappreciative, unempathetic, and judgemental. If your partner is a perfectionist, you might find that the practical needs in the relationship are met but maybe not the emotional needs.  If you want to feel appreciated, cared for, and valued, then you will find this very difficult with a perfectionistic partner.  Encouraging your partner to participate in relationship counselling with the goal of encouraging them to change their behaviour for your sake, their sake, and that of the relationship, is the only control that you have to improve the quality of your relationship, and to feel appreciated, respected, and valued by your partner.

Mental Illness

Unfortunately, mental illness has a significant negative impact on relationships.  If your partner suffers from a mental illness, then he/she will not have the capacity to put the necessary effort that you need for a quality and fulfilling relationship. Their symptoms of their mental illness are the main barrier in these cases.  How can they give emotionally when they might be feeling numb, withdrawn, detached, unmotivated, lethargic, easily agitated, and moody? It’s not easy to give emotionally to someone when you are not in a good place mentally or emotionally. In this state, your partner would be more focused and concerned about keeping their head above water and trying to cope with day to day activities.   All their energy is used to survive life’s challenges.  They are not in a position to give more of themselves to not only to you, but to anyone. They might appreciate you but may not be able to do what is necessary for you to feel appreciated and valued due to the symptoms of their mental illness.  All you can do to change your situation, is to encourage them to seek professional help for their mental illness, by making them aware of the impact that their mental illness is having on you and the relationship. 

3. They Don’t Think They Need to Show Their Appreciation.

Ok, this is one of the most common reasons why people do not feel appreciated by their partner.  It is also the one factor that you have total control to change.  Let me explain.  If you have been over-pleasing in your relationship for a long time, then you may have encouraged your partner to become ‘lazy’ in the relationship. Your partner may think that they don’t ‘need’ to show their appreciation, simply because you have not expressed to them the need for them to demonstrate their appreciation. They have become lazy in the relationship and in meeting their relationship responsibilities, because you have allowed them to. While it is only a natural thing to want to impress and to be accepted by others, giving and doing too much in any relationship is unhealthy not only for you but also for the relationship.  You will never feel appreciated and valued if you over-please.  Read my post [Want Genuine People in Your Life? Then Stop Over-Pleasing] if you want to learn more about the negative effects that over-pleasing has on relationships. If your partner has become lazy in your relationship, it’s not too late to change this.  Your partner might assume that it makes you happy to give and put so much effort, because you haven’t expressed how it affects you.  By over-pleasing and accommodating, you may have coached him to ‘not consider your needs’, and therefore, you need to un-condition him/her to start being more considerate of you.  No one will change if they do not need to change.  For change to occur you need to make your partner aware of your feelings, and do things to ‘please’ him/her instead of ‘over-please’.  When you do this, your partner will start to appreciate you more, because you are asking him/her to also consider your needs and feelings.  And by doing this, they will have no choice but to step up, and put the necessary efforts in your relationship for both of you to feel valued, appreciated and respected.  Instead of always accommodating to your partner’s needs, you might suggest a restaurant that you would like to eat, or a movie that you would like to see, and perhaps point out that the last time they chose the last restaurant or movie.

So, How Do You Know If Your Partner Appreciates You?

The only way that you will be able to determine if your partner genuinely appreciates you or not, is to:

1. Inform
   them of how their actions or lack of actions are making you feel, and affecting
   your relationship. You need to make sure that they are very clear of the
   changes that they need to make.  This is
   to ensure that there are no misunderstandings of what needs to happen.
2. If
   they do make positive changes but it does not last, then you might want to
   consider seeking professional help to determine if and what the underlying
   barrier is.  The fact that they are
   making an effort, should demonstrate to you that they are willing to make the
   necessary changes but for some reason that they are finding it difficult to
   do.  If they agree to seek professional
   help to explore this, then this should also demonstrate how genuine they are
   about doing what is necessary to work on improving the relationship.
3. If
   they know what they need to do to change, but they do not make the effort to
   change, then you need to seriously consider their real intentions.  Are they in the relationship for the right
   reasons?  How much are they benefiting
   from the relationship, and how much effort are they really putting in?  While it might be hard to face the truth, you
   are better off to grieve the end of a relationship in the short term, than to
   continue living under these circumstances long-term, and risking your health,
   self-esteem, happiness, and wellbeing, and only to have to eventually face the
   inevitable – the termination of the relationship.

Whether your partner is intentionally not appreciating you or not, we all have our breaking point.  We are like an elastic band, we might be able to stretch further than others, but we will eventually break.  You will at some stage, (and that will depend on your tolerance level)  have to make a decision between staying in an unhealthy relationship at the expense of your own health and happiness, or leaving the relationship for the sake of your health and happiness.  Even if your partner tries to seek professional help and makes an effort, if he/she is unable to make the necessary changes that you need in order for you to not be affected, you will be forced to make that serious decision, and it won’t be because that is what you want to do, but because that is what you need to do for yourself.  Always take into account your own needs, feelings, health and happiness when you are at that point of having to make that serious decision.

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