Why Relationships Fail and How to Prevent It

A lot of the time it’s the people in our life that make life hard and not life itself. Is it me, or is it you? The question that always pops into our mind whenever we are faced with a relationship problem. In a lot of cases we resolve these relationship problems by either tolerating them and adapting as best we can or ending the relationship when we no longer can. But are most relationships actually resolvable or are we just wasting time and effort? By the end of this article you will have that answer.

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We all need to feel loved, valued and respected by others, and when our relationships do not provide us with this – it leaves us feeling worthless. So, why do relationships fail? The answer is simple, it’s either you or the other person in either cases the factors are the same. There are a number of factors that contribute to the success or failure of a relationship. All these factors will be discussed throughout this article but let’s start with one that I’m sure you have heard of many times – personality clashing.

Personality Clashes

Is this an excuse that we rely on to cope with failure or rejection? Or is this something we need to pay serious attention to? We all heard the saying, “opposites attract” but do they really? Or are we just drawn to the traits in the other person that we envy and want to have ourselves? How can an extrovert for example and an introvert workout? Do they really work together or does one person have to adjust by ‘toning down’ or ‘perking up’ for it to work? For two people with say 80 percent differences to work both would need to accept and adjust as needed to these differences. This doesn’t mean that only one person does all the acceptance and all the adjusting either. Both need to respect each other’s differences and ‘allow’ the other to be themselves within the relationship. In a lot of cases this does not happen. Often the person with the dominant personality takes the wheel and the other just sits back and hopes for the best. Unfortunately, while we are taught to adjust, and in a lot of situations this is possible, we cannot always change certain traits and in doing so, we run the risk of losing our own identity and living a life that is not our own. So, what do we do when we are in this situation? Well that depends on a couple of things. Are both parties willing to make the necessary adjustments to the differences to enable the other to be themselves? And are they capable of doing this? Sometimes that difference is too strong to change. It is at this point where relationships either work or fail? How important is the person to you to put the necessary effort to work with their differences, and can that person maintain this effort and for how long? Going against your grain is not always an easy thing to do. Sometimes its not that they don’t want to change but that they cannot change. Hence why it is easier and important to have people in your life that fit with you – 80 percent similar and 20 percent different, and that the differences are easy enough to adjust to.

But ‘personality clashing’ is not the only contributing factor to relationship failure. What if you are a good match then what? In my experience as a psychologist and in working with couples, it’s not always a relationship problem as such, but instead one or both parties’ personal issues that interferes in the relationship. And once these issues are addressed the relationship often improves. Why relationships fail

‘Unhealthy’ Coping Mechanisms

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms are often relied on to cope with ‘unresolved personal issues’. When people bring their personal issues into their relationships what chances does the relationship really have? Personal issues such as, trauma, trust issues and mental illness can unfortunately be masked by the use of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Addictions, over-pleasing, and avoidance are the most commonly used coping mechanisms. Relationships become exhausting when we are trying to make sense of something we don’t quite understand and can’t control and in many cases the person themselves does not realise that they are relying on these coping mechanisms. They’ve been relying on them their whole life without realising the effect that they are having on their relationships. When your partner gets angry when you ask him to attend a social occasion and you assume it’s because he doesn’t want to go when it’s really because the very thought of going is triggering his anxiety, its easy to make the conclusion that “he’s just being selfish”. Whether he is deliberately using anger to avoid going or anger is a symptom of his anxiety, you not knowing this is likely to have some negative effect on your relationship. People blame the alcohol for their relationship problem and not the underlying mental condition, and confuse avoidance for arrogance or selfishness, and over-pleasing as caring. Any behaviour that does not make sense or that there is no logic behind such as an over-reaction to a minor situation, is potentially an unhealthy coping mechanism and not a character flaw. Why relationships fail.

Communication

Ok, so we’ve discussed personality clashing, and personal issues as two potential problems in your relationships. What about communication problems? “We don’t communicate”, “We have a communication problem”, “We don’t listen to each other”. “We’re not open and honest about our feelings with each other”. While the best communication skills may not be able to fix relationship problems such as, personality differences or personal issues interfering in your relationship, unfortunately it is a vital factor in any type of relationship. Regardless of what factor is affecting your relationship, if you cannot ‘talk it through’ then you won’t be able to ‘fix it’. It’s like knowing what mechanical problem your car has and how to fix it but not having the necessary tool to fix it. Communication is the simple process of one person talking and the other one listening and taking turns – or so you might think. People either communicate in three ways, passively, aggressively or assertively. And before you think that all you need to communicate effectively is assertive communication skills, unfortunately, the other person also needs to be assertive for this to happen. An assertive person communicating with another assertive person will achieve a win-win outcome. An assertive person communicating with an aggressive or passive person will unfortunately not. You cannot resolve anything with someone who’s only goal is to come out ‘winning’, or with someone who’s only goal is to avoid ‘upsetting’ your feelings. There is so much more to communication than we realise. For a start, aggression is often misinterpreted for arrogance and confidence but in actual fact, aggression and passive communication are typical symptoms of poor self-esteem. To iron out the bumps throughout a relationship you need open and honest communication, and aggressive and passive styles of communication do not work. If you want to read more on assertiveness click here [article].

So, as you can see relationships are complex. There are so many factors that make or break a relationship. Basically, it’s a lot easier having a relationship with someone who is similar minded, assertive, and willing to address any personal issues that they might have. We cannot make someone take responsibility to address their issues, but we do have a choice to stay and tolerate the impact they have on us and our life or leave. Unfortunately, getting to that fork in the road will only happen once we have reached our tolerance level. Why relationships fail.
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