Why Do People Cheat on Their Partners?

When you have been cheated on by the person that you have put all your trust in, the person who knows you inside out, the person who ‘should’ have had your back,  – your partner, – you experience instant grief.  You feel hurt, betrayed, worthless, helpless, devastated, confused, angry, sad, and fearful to name a few. You feel like your life has just been ripped from under you, and that you will never be the same again. Your emotions flip from anger to sadness for some time until that surreal state dies down, and all the questions start popping into your mind. How could they do this to me? I thought they loved me? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? I thought we were happy? How could I have been so blind?….. But the one question that I get asked by every single client is, “Why?” – Why do people cheat on their partners?[magicactionbox]

This is the question that every client asks me after finding out that their partner has cheated on them, and the answer I give them all is in this article.  After reading this article you will finally understand why people cheat on their partners, and what you have to do to rebuild your trust, and ‘hole-proof your relationship”,  as much as you can.  Yes, that’s right, “as much as you can” because no one ever has 100% control over their relationship or their partner.  You can put 100% into your relationship but the percentage you get back from your partner is up to them not you.  Now I don’t want you to think that the following information I am about to provide is by any means me making excuses for those who cheat because whatever their reason for cheating, that person should’ve taken the responsible step of communicating to their partner the feelings and concerns they had regarding the relationship and/or their partner – but unfortunately not everyone can do this and I will explain why later in this article. So, why do people cheat on their partners? People cheat because of one of two reasons; there is a problem/s with their relationship, and/or the person who committed the infidelity has an underlying problem.

Holes in the Relationship

If the grass is greener in your own back yard then why would you need to look elsewhere? It’s simple, if people are happy in their relationship and with their partner then the chance of them cheating is minimal.  One of the very first thing I do before starting relationship counselling with a couple is to explore the possibility of one or both parties having personal issues that could very well be interfering in the relationship.  Only once I have established that this is not the case do I begin relationship counselling.  The goal of relationship counselling is to ‘plug in all the holes’ within the relationship.  Trust me, a relationship with more holes then a swiss cheese is not going to survive and even if it does, it is likely to be a very poor, quality relationship.  By ‘holes’ I am talking about the relationship problems typically experienced by most troubled couples, such as poor communication, poor quality of time, lack of team work, lack of attention, lack of affection and care towards each other, personality clashing, poor work-life balance, major stressors, unhealthy beliefs, different values et cetera. What I have often found when counselling couples is that in most cases, they know exactly what it is that is making them unhappy in their relationship.  They know exactly what is needed to fix the problem that is preventing them from getting their needs met from the relationship.  So, you’re probably thinking at this stage, then why do they need to attend counselling if they know what the problem is and how to fix it? Because something is blocking the path to the solution and in most cases the culprit is a breakdown in communication. Effective communication is the key to resolving most problems in relationships. Either one person clearly and effectively communicates their feelings and needs to the other person, and that person does not take it on board, or one person does not communicate clearly and effectively enough for the other person to understand them.  Most problems can be resolved and prevented through effective communication and active listening.  The reasons why people do not communicate effectively or listen actively are explained in my article, [Being Assertive: Communicate Better for a Healthier Relationship].  So, communication is the foundation of any relationship as is love.  Without communication and genuine love, a relationship will suffer and the risk of cheating will be high. People might communicate their needs and concerns to their partner, but whether they are heard is another story. They don’t want to leave the relationship or their partner, they just want the changes needed to be happy in their relationship, and these changes can only come about from both parties putting the effort towards making the necessary changes.  Most relationship problems can be resolved when the problem and solution are clearly communicated and the problem is resolved – hence the importance of effective communication.

So, why do people cheat on their partners? In most cases, because they feel that they are not getting their needs met in their relationship and from their partner, and someone comes along and provides them with whatever it was that they felt was missing. Whatever the reason for their unhappiness, while they deserve happiness, no one deserves to be cheated on, and everyone deserves the respect of their partner letting them know of their unhappiness and their need to end the relationship in order to find that happiness, rather than to be cheated on.  The damage caused to the person who has been cheated on is huge. People stay in unhealthy relationships far too long, and when resentment sets in it can in a lot of cases eventually replace love and respect. While it is possible to improve the quality of a relationship, for this to happen both parties need to want to work at it, and put the efforts needed for it to work.  And if this is not possible, then both parties need to respect each other enough to end the relationship rather than to cheat.  Grieving the loss of a relationship is a lot easier than having to grieve it while also grieving the loss of your own dignity.

While relationship problems are one reason why people cheat on their partners. The most common reason is the person having underlying personal issues. That’s right, they’re the one with the problem, not you or the relationship. So, you can stop blaming yourself and stop trying to work out what you did wrong because what I am about to explain should put all that to rest.

Seeking Attention, Reassurance, or Mood Pick Up

As my article [Why Relationships Fail] explains, people who suffer from low self-esteem will often rely on ‘unhealthy coping mechanisms’ to cope and to compensate for the negative feelings they are experiencing, and this can unfortunately include cheating on their partner.  Now before we continue, I just want to make one thing clear, not everyone out there suffering from low self-esteem has the predisposition to cheat on their partner.  There are many ‘unhealthy’ coping mechanisms that people rely on to cope, and while cheating can be one of them, it is not the only one.  A person who does suffer from low self-esteem and who has the inclination to cheat, will do anything to get attention even if it is from someone else other than their partner. They may have received a lot of attention from their partner in the early stages of the relationship but like in every relationship when the ‘euphoria’ dies down and ‘normality’ sets in, the void they are feeling becomes bigger and the urge for attention increases. You’ll notice them perhaps flirting or being overly friendly towards others. They might even complain about not getting enough attention from you even though that is not the case or they become jealous of the time you spend with your friends, children, family or work.  The need to be reassured by others that they are worthy of them can become so strong that it can lead to cheating. They can become addicted to the positive feelings they experience from the attention they receive. The more positive attention they receive, the worthier they feel.  It is a problem that even they may not be aware of.  When they are caught out, they cannot explain their reason for cheating on you, they tell you they still love you, they don’t want to lose you, there is no problem with the relationship, they still want to spend the rest of their life with you and only you – but cannot explain why they cheated on you. They might promise to never cheat on you again, but then they do it again.  You cannot understand it, because ‘everything is great’ – we’re still being intimate, we get along, we enjoy each other’s company, we work well together, we have goals for the future….and they still go and cheat on you with someone else. Self-esteem issues.  In these cases, it’s not that you are not good enough for them, but that they think that they are not good enough for anyone, including you. They need that constant reassurance from others to continue to feel worthy.  Unfortunately, the people that they cheat on you with, are also blind to this problem, and expect commitment and a relationship with them, only to discover either, that they do not want the same as them (except the attention they give them), or they find that they too become a victim of infidelity when they are in a relationship with them. In any case, for the relationship to be healthy, the self-esteem problem will need to be addressed, otherwise, the risk of them cheating on you again will continue to be high.

Attention-seeking for reassurance is not the only culprit in the act of cheating.  Mental illness is another, and again not everyone suffering from depression is likely to cheat. Severe depression can affect someone’s mood so bad that the urge to do anything to pick one’s mood up can become too strong to resist – hence why many people suffering from depression can also develop an addiction problem.  While drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, gaming, shopping and food are common addictions that people can develop, cheating can also become an addiction.  People can become addicted to anything that will ‘pick up their mood’.  A serial cheater can be addicted to cheating especially if cheating and becoming involved with someone else lifts their mood.  The excitement of the anticipated contact from the other person, and receiving compliments, or experiencing something or someone different, can increase the urge to cheat.  Again, the ‘positive feeling’ from the sudden release of Serotonin (the feel-good chemical) that they experience from cheating is usually what they are really seeking, and rarely is it the person that they are cheating on you with. When they are asked why they cheated, the answer is usually “I don’t know” and that is because they genuinely do not know.  This can be very frustrating for their partner who wants to understand why it happened in order to fix the problem so that it is less likely to happen again. But mental illness is often undiagnosed, and people do not always make the connection between mental illness and their cheating habit.  Counselling can be useful for couples particularly, in identifying the underlying cause and helping them work through the trust issue that is often a common symptom of infidelity. Once identified the person who cheated would need to undergo therapy to treat the underlying cause, followed by couple counselling to address any trust issue.

How Do You Survive Infidelity?

Now that you have a better understanding of why people cheat on their partners, the other questions I often get asked by the person who has been cheated on is, “How can I ever trust them again?” “What if it happens again?” “Why do I feel worthless”?  Infidelity leaves the person who has been cheated on feeling anxious. Anxious about being hurt again, maybe not by the same person but even by anyone else that comes into their life after.  In a lot of cases, this trust issue is carried into relationships that follow and manifests as controlling behaviour as the person attempts everything possible to avoid being hurt again.  This can also have a negative impact on the same or new relationship.  So, what do you do? Whenever I am counselling a couple through this, or the person who has developed the trust issue, the first thing I say to them is that unfortunately time will heal.  And while this may sound cliché, it is the truth.  If your child repeatedly lied to you would you just believe everything they say to you after that? If you answered yes, then I take my hat off to you because the majority of people would’ve answered ‘no’.  Your child would need to have proven their honesty over a certain period of time before your guard could come down and the timeframe for this to happen would depend on the type of dishonesty and its criticalness.  This is the same with infidelity.  Time and having the control to prevent it from happening again. How do you get that control you ask? – by understanding why it happened in the first place. Was it due to a relationship problem or due to an underlying problem that the other person has? Not all relationships can be saved however, and the ones that do are those where both parties have worked extremely hard at it.  Understanding why it happened in the first place is only one part of the solution, both parties wanting to work at reconciling is the other part.  Either way, whatever the outcome, one thing you need to be mindful of is to not blame yourself for something that was never your fault or that you never had control of.