What You Need for a Great Relationship?

We all want to be accepted and liked by everyone that comes into our life in one form or another. Unfortunately, in some cases this is an unrealistic expectation and even impossible. You see, there are many factors that contribute to having a healthy and genuine relationship with someone, other than the efforts that you put into that relationship. It takes the effort and commitment of both for a relationship to work. The reality is that no matter what type of relationship that you have with anyone, whether for example it’s, a work collague, friend, partner, family member, or boss, you can only ever have a real and honest relationship with that person if there are no barriers that stand in the way. In this article you will learn why it’s not always possible to have a genuine relationship with some people no matter how hard you try, and what you can do to improve your relationship with them, and the signs to look out for. First, let’s explore some of the most common issues that can get in the way of having a healthy relationship. While there are a number of factors that can affect a relationship, the four main issues commonly seen by therapists are; personality clashing, lack of self-confidence, mental illness, and poor communication skills.

The Four Barriers to a Healthy Relationship

1. Personality Clashing

You may have heard people say something like, “we just didn’t click”, or “we can’t relate”, and for some that is the case. No one has the exact same qualities, weakenesses, values and traits, not even identical twins, so it’s not surprising that there are some people that we can gel with and not others. Yet for some reason our expectations are that we should ‘click’ with everyone, and we don’t understand why others ‘click’ with them and we don’t. That’s because we perceive someone’s lack of interest in us as rejection, instead of just accepting the fact that it is our differences and not because we are not worthy enough of having a relationship with the person that is getting in the way. The saying, ‘opposites attract’ can sometimes be misleading. We might appreciate a particular quality that we see in someone that we do not see in ourselves, but how can it work when that difference is extreme. For instance, an introvert can admire someone’s extrovert personality, but would they find it easy to relate to an extrovert and fit into their way of life? In order for the relationship to work both parties would need to compromise and accommodate the differences in eachother’s personality. But for this to work the gap between the differences in personality needs to be small. The 80/20 rule, where eighty percent similarity and twenty percent different might work a lot better than visa versa. You are more likely to tolerate someone’s differences if they are minor than if they were extreme.

If you suffer from a lack of self-esteem, you might be personalising and perhaps accommodating more than you need to be. Which brings me to the next barrier, a lack of self-esteem.

[magicactionbox]

2. A Lack of Self-Esteem

A relationship that has one or both people suffering from poor self-esteem has a higher risk of failing if the self-esteem issue is not addressed. The person with low self-esteem will suffer in that relationship because to compensate for this, they are likely to over-please, and in doing so they may not always meet their own needs in the relationship. In doing this, they increase the risk of being taken advantage of if the other person is not in the relationship for genuine reasons. On the otherhand, even if the other person is genuine and does not take advantage of the situation, the person suffering from low self-esteem has a high tendency to be very clingy, needy and seeking constant reassurance from the their partner. This can be a burden on the relationship and on the person. When one person in the relationship depends heavily on the other person, a ‘partnership’ is not possible because the person who is not confident will find it difficult to contribute to decision making, actioning the goals of the relationship, and being a support for the other person. They tend to stay in their comfort zone and avoid anything that they do not feel confident in.

Not only that, poor self-esteem also interferes with communication. People who do not have a strong sense of self-worth tend to personalise and misinterpret other people’s comments, and will respond either in a defensive way or internalising what they interpreted from the comment, which is usually negative. This can affect the communication in the relationship, and unfortunately good communciation is the foundation in any relationship, which takes me to the next barrier – poor communication skills.

3. Poor Communication Skills

Poor communication skills is another common problem in relationships. When two people are able to communicate in the right way, connection and teamwork are easily achieved, and problems that crop up along the way are addressed. When this occurs there is less likelihood of resentment or inaccurate beliefs developing, which is the usual cause of rifts in relationships. When there is healthy communication between people, there is minimal misinterpretations because there is honesty, clarity, active listening, and openness. This is called assertive communication. It is a style of communication that is learned. You are not born assertive. Many people are reluctant to assert themselves in their relationships because they assume that being assertive is being aggressive. This is so far from the truth, in fact a relationship has the best chance of thriving when one or both parties communicate in an assertive manner. When two people are assertive, they communicate in such a way that they are always mindful of eachother’s feelings at all times. Their goal is to communicate to come to a solution that will benefit both parties. It’s not about winning, it’s about being open and honest with the person to strengthen the relationship whether it is a professional or personal relationship. Aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive communication will inevitably have a negative effect on any relationship because when one person is aggressive and the other passive, then the aggressive person will always dominate the passive person, and there will always be a win-lose outcome. A person who is continuously supressed has a high risk of developing mental illness, especially when their needs are never met in the relationship, and they are continuously made to feel worthless and not valued. A healthy sense of self-worth, living your life closer to your personality and values, and being respected by the people in your life are essential factors in mental health and wellbeing, which brings me to the next barrier to a healthy relationship – mental illness.

4. Mental illness

Unfortunately, a relationship can be affected by symptoms of a mental health condition such as, Depression, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety. While the person suffering from mental illness might meet all of the above criteria for a healthy relationship, their symptoms of mental illness will unintentionally become a barrier to a certain degree at some point in the relationship. Physical symptoms such as, poor motivation, low energy, poor concentration and memory, loss of libido, loss of interest, agitation and irritability, anger, intolerance, constant sadness, withdrawing, are some of the common syptoms that will significantly interfere with the quality of a relationship. Other typical symptoms of mental illness that can interfere with communication include, personalisating, misinterpretating comments made by others, catastrophising and over-reacting to situations. These factors can cause a break down in communication and distance between a couple.

So, what do you do if your relatioonship is being affected by one or more of these barriers?

What to do if your relationship is being affected by these barriers?

Personality Clash

While there is not much that you can do in regards to personality clashing or extreme differences in personality traits, the one thing you need to keep in mind is that your partner’s behaviour may not be deliberate. This means that they may not be doing it intentionally, and in most cases may not be aware that their behaviour is affecting you and the relationship. This does not mean that you just have to put up with it either. Pointing out how their behaviour is affecting you in the right way is your part and responsibility for change, their part is to take it on board and do what they can to work on making the necessary changes.

The first step towards change is to identify the cause of the problem, the next step is to work out a solution together. Working together at identifying the cause and taking a solution-focused approach is an important step that will be more effecive than just pointing out ‘their’ problem. You don’t want them to become defensive and deny that there is a problem. This approach will only result in increased resentment. The goal is to resolve the issue/s to improve the quality of the relationship, and to do it together, without making your partner feel more negative than they might already be feeling. For some issues you might need to seek the help of a professional if you are having a difficult time identifying the cause and working out the solution.

When addressing the above barriers, an important thing to remember is that the problem is not a relationship problem. It’s a personal problem that one or both parties have that is affecting the relationship. Relationship counselling may not be what is needed in the first instance, and might even stand in the way of identifying and addressing the real underlying issue. You are best to first seek individual help, and address any relationship issues once any personal issues have been addressed.

Mental Illness and Poor Self-Esteem

Lack of self-esteem and mental illness are two barriers that will need to be addressed with individual counselling due to the complexity of these conditions. Gaining an understanding of your partner’s psychological condition and knowing the symptoms can only help with their recovery and the relationship.

Poor Communication

The typical communication problems are; i) not being open and honest, ii) passive communication style, and iii) aggressive communication style. People will be more open and honest, and express their thoughts and feelings a lot easily when they feel that it is ‘safe’ to do so. Someone with low self-esteem is likely to ‘sweep issues under the rug’ for fear of conflict, criticism and rejection. Communicating in the right way will encourage your partner to feeling comfortable to open up, a necessary step for positve change. Allowing your partner to express their thoughts and feelings regardless of whether you agree with them or not will only encourage them to open up more. Backing up your argument with facts and examples, will be more effective than to just tell them that you disagree with them. You want to also point out that the issue you have is their behaviour and not with them. This will prevent them taking it as a pesonal attack and becoming defensive. For example, “When you don’t help me with the household chores it makes me feel as though you don’t respect or care about me”, instead of “You’re a lazy and selfish person”.

So, what if your partner does not want to take steps to change for the sake of the relationship? Then what?

Your role in the change process is to support and encourage your partner to address the issues that you have both identified as causal factors that are impacting on the relationship (either together or with the help of a professional). Without your partner taking this on board and putting the necessary effort to address his/her issues, change cannot occur. You need to remember that while you might need to give them some time to accept responsibility and to make the necessary changes, the ball is in their court and what happens from there is within their control. Unfortunately, the length of time that you give them to take action will depend on your tolerance to put up with the issue. If your partner decides to put the effort to make the necessary changes then your relationship has a chance of moving in a positive direction, however, if your partner does not then you will end up at a ‘fork in the road’, with the decision to either stay and put up with the problem (for as long as you can), or to leave the relationship knowing that you did everything you could in your power to save your relationship. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship work. The length of time that you stay in an unhealthy relationship only proves your resilience in the end and is by no means any indication of a solid relationship.

If you want to learn more about effective communication, assertiveness, mental illness, and relationships then click on the links below:

Is It Me or Is It You?