How to Stop Being Bullied

Bullying can take various forms, such as physical, verbal, or non-verbal behaviour. There are two main reasons for bullying: low self-esteem and/or the inability to achieve desired outcomes in a proper manner. A person who bullies others may do so to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. They may target individuals who do not confront them as a way to feel more powerful. Additionally, if someone admires a quality in you that they lack, they may try to bring you down to lessen their feelings of inadequacy. Unknowingly, you reflect their feelings of inadequacy every time they see you. They try to alleviate their overwhelming negative feelings by belittling you, aiming to make you feel as miserable as they are.  When they achieve this, it empowers them. After all, they managed to affect your feelings; if it works every time, they will continue on every occasion.

Another reason for bullying is that bullies cannot achieve the desired outcome properly. They will attempt to manipulate others to get their way; if that fails, they will use intimidation and aggression. For instance, a manager might manipulate you into believing that you are responsible for something that went wrong. If you try to clarify, they might become angry in an attempt to silence you.  Most bullies lack the assertive communication skills to achieve their goals, and if they rely on bullying to get their way, they will likely continue to do so. Imagine if your manager asked you to do something that you disagreed with, and you refused. The right way to address this would be for your manager to ask you to explain your reasons and to agree with them if the reasons were justified. But how would this work with a manager who cannot accept that they are wrong? Or that takes offence at being shown up in front of others?  Unfortunately, when dealing with someone with low self-esteem and poor communication skills, you are at a high risk of being bullied by that person.  Bullies often become aggressive when they feel that their ego and power are being challenged.

Bullies often surround themselves with submissive individuals whom they can manipulate to fulfil their needs. These individuals are usually skilled, capable, and confident – qualities that the bully lacks. The bully may appear competent, capable, and confident, like a manager who relies on certain staff members to achieve results but takes credit for their work. They depend on these individuals but also harbour resentment towards them for being capable of doing what they cannot. They know they can’t get away with it from someone who can stand up for themselves and will avoid any situation that diffuses their power.  Have you ever seen a bully confront anyone other than someone who is passive and submissive? Notice how well they treat them in comparison?

Bullies often surround themselves with “capable empaths” who love helping others. The bully attaches to the empath like a lifeline, leaving the empath feeling emotionally and physically drained. By being mean, the bully keeps the empath keen, keen to please to feed their ego. 

As you can see, bullying is more complex than simple meanness. The main underlying drive for bullying is critically low self-esteem, camouflaged by bullying behaviour.  Bullying behaviour is based on false confidence. Bullies gain respect from others through intimidation and aggression.

So, how can you protect yourself from becoming a victim of bullying? By doing the same things that people who don’t get bullied do.

1. Do not take the bullying behaviour personally. Now that you know why they are bullying you, you should feel sorry for them because they must be miserable within themselves to have to do it.
2. If they upset you, try not to show them that they are getting to you. This will only encourage them to keep bullying you. When you demonstrate through your behaviour that you are not intimidated by them, they will likely seek out someone else to target.
3. Try to avoid them as much as possible. If you can’t completely remove them from your life, then keep them at arm’s length. This means they shouldn’t be involved in your life or have access to information about you or your life. Put them in the “acquaintance zone”. When they notice that you are not paying them much attention, they will sense that something is not quite right and make more of an effort with you. Be careful; they will try to get you back in but don’t be fooled, as they are still the same person inside. Real transformation takes place when you consistently dedicate yourself to making a change. If you don’t see steady, positive progress, it’s likely not genuine.

 And most of all…

• Don’t let them bully you. Many people get bullied because they don’t know how to stand up to the bully. You don’t have to match their behaviour to stand up to them; you just have to do it in an effective way. Nobody is born assertive, and for some, the chance to develop these skills is taken away in childhood before they can even develop them. Once you learn these skills, you are able to assert yourself and put anyone who tries to disrespect or mistreat you in their place in a respectful way. Bullies don’t like being put in their place, and when it’s done in a non-aggressive manner, it leaves them with no opportunity to retaliate.

Standing up to bullies can be intimidating, especially when you have never done it before and don’t know what to expect. When you’re learning to assert yourself, it’s important to start by practising with the easiest people first to build confidence in using your new skills and trusting that they work.

Remember, you’re not on this planet to suffer unnecessarily. Life doesn’t have to be difficult if not for the people in our lives who make it difficult. People who have high self-confidence do so, for the most part, because they are assertive and choose the right people in their lives.

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