How to Stand Up for Yourself the Right Way?

We hear the word ‘assertive’ a lot, both in the workplace and in our personal life.  But what does it really mean to be ‘assertive’, and why is it so important to be ‘assertive’?  Being assertive is something that as adults we only start to pay attention to when we are forced to have to deal with people at every level in our life.  It’s something that we really pay attention to when we are suddenly faced with difficult people, customers, co-workers, and managers, and when we suddenly realise how we are being treated by our partner, family, friends, and children.  Not everyone is blessed with being surrounded by ‘genuine’ people only, and if you are, then it’s probably because ‘luck’ is on your side – for now.  But at some stage in your life, you will have to come face to face with a situation that will test how assertive you really are, and really make you start paying attention to the importance of have assertiveness skills.

What is Assertiveness?

So, what is assertiveness?  Well, it’s definitely not being aggressive, in fact it is the opposite.  When someone is being assertive, they are saying exactly what they need to say, but in a tactful, respectful way.  The words they choose to ask for what they want, and to refuse what they don’t want cannot hurt or disrespect the other person.  When they are being assertive, they take into account the other person’s feelings, and their own.  While an aggressive person will only consider their own feelings, and a non-assertive/passive person will only consider the other person’s feelings only. 

How can being assertive help me?

Many people underestimate the importance of having assertiveness skills in life.  We think that life is challenging and difficult, but when you really think about it, and reflect on the past situations that you found really challenging, I’m sure the majority of these situations were mostly caused by the people you were dealing with at the time.  The difficult neighbour, the ex, the in-laws, the people you were working with, the boss, the clients, the roommate, the friend, the parent/s, the sibling, the partner etc.  It wasn’t the job, the place you were staying at, the area you were living in, the organisation you were working for, the course you were enrolled in, the lifestyle you were living, or what you were doing – it was the people you had to deal with at that time.

How a lack of assertiveness can affect my mental state?

As a therapist who has treated many people suffering from mental illness over the last twenty years, the one important thing that I noticed continuously was the strong correlation between how assertiveness the person was, and the severity of their mental condition.  The more passive or non-assertive the person was, the worst their mental health and the quality of their relationship were.  When they described their life, they used the words ‘trapped and lost’.  That doesn’t surprise me in the least because how can you not feel this way when the life you are living is not yours? When you live your life accommodating the needs of others in order to avoid conflict and rejection, then of course you’re going to be unhappy, it’s inevitable.

How assertiveness can protect me from toxic people?

When I think of ‘assertiveness’, I think of a ‘filter’.  A filter to separate the ‘toxic’ people from ‘genuine’ people in life.  Life is not a ‘bed of roses’, but it sure doesn’t have to be as hard as it sometimes is.  When you surround yourself with genuine people who respect you as well as themselves, and don’t have to put up with non-genuine, toxic people – life becomes easier, trust me.  You cannot change people who do not want to change, but you can learn how to deal with them in a way to protect yourself, your self-esteem, and the life that you are meant to live.  Toxic people seek non-assertive/passive people only, they avoid assertive and even aggressive people.  Why? Because they can’t get what they want from them. 

Stop wasting time trying to convince people that you are worthy of their attention and of being in their life in one way or another.  Stop trying to ‘win’ them over, you don’t have to prove yourself to them.  All you are doing is boosting their ‘ego’.  Instead put the effort into the people who genuinely care about you, and who accept you unconditionally – they’re the ones that tend to miss out because you are too busy putting effort into the wrong people.  The people in your life who make you feel positive, valued, worthy, and appreciated are the ones you need to put your energy and time into, not those who make you feel the opposite.

When you have assertiveness skills, not only will you have the right people in your life, have a healthy mental state, find your purpose in life, have less stress and more peace in your life, but finally be really happy.  

How can I become more assertive?

The book I’ve written, “From Passive to Assertive” offers a unique approach to assertiveness that stands out from the rest. Forget about memorising a laundry list of tricks to use in specific situations – my book focuses on teaching you a single, powerful technique that works with anyone, no matter how difficult they may be. It delves into understanding and handling aggressive behaviour in both personal and professional settings, illustrating its points with relatable examples and scenarios. What sets my book apart is the practical nature of its exercises and activities, designed to help you apply the skills in real-life situations, making it a valuable resource for personal development.

Check out Corinne Coe’s Books