People are often very surprised when I tell them that the main reason they keep attracting toxic people in their life is because they over-please. When I explain to them what I am about to explain to you in this article, the answer that they usually give me is, “I always thought that being extra nice and by giving to others was what you had to do for a healthy, close relationship”.
The answer is both ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Yes if the person is as genuine, respectful, empathetic, and is also a giver. No if the person is self-centred, non-empathetic, disrespectful, and a taker. The only relationships that can work are those where both parties are respectful of each other’s needs and feelings, and prepared to be empathetic enough to give, and confident enough to receive what they are given. Toxic people do not fit that criteria.
When you over-please you are opening the gate to attract the wrong people in your life. People who are only interested in taking what they need and want from you. They usually plug into you like a lifeline either to cope with whatever they are struggling with, whether that is, financially, emotionally, physically, or psychologically, They will hang on to you as long as you make their life convenient and easy. To do this, they will use manipulation, emotional abuse, and/or intimidation to achieve this. Unfortunately, some people realise how toxic the person really is when the damage has already been done.
So, if you want to attract the right people in your life it’s simple – stop over-pleasing. Give a little, and see what happens. See what comes back when you ask for a favour, help, respect, or support. Genuine people will give back to you because they care about you, and value the relationship they have with you. Over-pleasing stops you from screening the people that you allow into your life. You want to please others because it makes you happy to do something that makes them happy, but you don’t want to over-please because even people with the best intentions can develop the bad habit of expecting more if that is the habit you have given them by over-pleasing.
We all want to feel valued, respected, appreciated, and unconditionally accepted by the people in your lives. It’s what we need for a healthy state of mind, and our well being. The less toxic people we have in our life, the better our mental state, and the easier and healthier our life will be.
If you want the right people in your life then you need to close the gate, and only allow the people who deserve to come through that gate. When you stop over-pleasing, you will only have the people who want to be in your life for the right reasons that is, for you and not what you do for them or give them.
Don’t be afraid to lose or distance yourself from the people who more of a negative than a positive in your life. The people that you allow in your life is a choice. Your life can be a whole lot easier with the right people in it, so choose carefully.
