How Toxic People Affect Your Mental Wellbeing?

How people can have a negative effect on our mental well-being and happiness.

Life can be challenging at times, but how much of it is caused by the people in your life? Your boss, co-workers, staff, customers, family members, partner, children, neighbours, friends, in-laws, exes etc.  Have you ever thought of how much easier life would be if all you had to deal with was the typical challenges of life, and not have to deal with the people in it? How great would that be if it was possible?  When you reflect on your past, and all the difficult and stressful events that you had to deal with in your life, how many of these were caused by someone?

The difficult challenges that we have to go through in life can be made worse by the people that we have at thay time. The type of people that are involved in your life at that time can make these challenges either more difficult or less difficult for you. The people that we choose to have in our life can have a huge influence on our mental health, happiness and wellbeing. The way these people treat us can have a positive or negative effect on how we feel not only in general but about ourselves too.  The better treated that we are by others, the better we feel. When we are respected, considered, recognised, appreciated, and valued by the people in our life we feel valued and worthy. Just the simple act of your neighbour putting your bin out for you can make you feel considered and valued. Whenever we experience something positive our brain releases ‘serotonin’, the chemical that makes us feel happy. The positive acts and comments that you receive from the people in your life play a vital role in your mental health and self-worth.  The more positive treatment that you receive from people, the stronger your mental state will be, the happier you will feel, and the healthier your self-worth will be.

Why do I always get mistreated by the people in my life? 

You now understand the importance of having the right people in your life for your mental health, happiness, and self-worth.  So, what do you do about the people that you currently have in your life that repeatedly cause drama, grief, harm, and hurt?  It’s simple, you just cut them off. If you’ve expressed your feelings to the person but they aren’t making any attempts to change their behaviour, then nothing is likely to change, and you will constantly feel hurt or angry after spending time with them. At this point, it might be time to consider ending the relationship. Relationships are meant to be mutually connective and staying in a one-sided romantic relationship or friendship with someone who can’t meet basic relational needs will inevitably take a toll on your mental health.  Taking this step might sound drastic and daunting, but you won’t regret it.  You don’t have anything to lose but so much more to gain by taking this step.  Gradually reducing the contact and not giving or doing as much for them, is probably the easiest way to weaning away from the relationship and ending it.

But what if cutting them off is not an option because they’re a member of your family such as, a parent, in-law or child? If you have to have them in your life in one way or another, then be sure to set strong boundaries and make sure that you change the type of relationship that you have with them to an acquaintance type of relationship instead. An acquaintance is someone who is not a close friend and that you do not see them much. They are someone that you just met through an introduction.  On the other hand, a friend is someone who’s there with you through thick and thin, and that you share a deeper connection with.   By putting them in the ‘acquaintance circle’ you are taking away the privileges that are typically given to people that you have a reciprocal relationship with.

You might not have the power to change these people to become the people you need them to be in your life, but you certainly have the choice of whether they stay in your life or not.

How do I find the right people in my life?

Someone who does not reciprocate the time, energy, and attention that you give them is either a self-centered person or just being inconsiderate. What’s the difference?  A self-centered person typically does not have the capacity to reciprocate these gestures and efforts with anyone in their life, but an inconsiderate person can but is selective with who they choose to do this with. The people that inconsiderate people put no effort, time or attention into are the people that allow their behaviour.

The Inconsiderate Person:

There’s a chance that the inconsiderate person is unaware of how their behaviour is affecting you. To avoid resentment setting in, it’s important to voice your concerns. If this person is important to you and you want to give them an opportunity to change, then you need to share your experience with them, and when you do make sure that your feedback focus on how you feel that there is an imbalance in the relationship and provide a few examples.  If you’ve expressed your feelings to the person but they aren’t making any attempts to change their behaviour, it’s likely that you are dealing with a self-centred person instead.

The Self-Centered Person:

Self-centered people:

Self-centered people have one-sided conversations. They tend to monopolize the conversation for example, you might begin to share about how difficult work has been for you, and then they take this opportunity to go on and on about their own work stresses without acknowledging your own concerns.

Self-centered people don’t reciprocate effort. In a relationship with a self-centered person, you might find that there’s a pattern of you giving your time, energy, and attention to them, but these gestures and efforts aren’t reciprocated.  This shows how they care more about themselves than others since they aren’t willing to put in the effort to make you feel like it’s an even relationship.

Self-centered people usually lack empathy. They struggle to put themselves in others’ shoes, for example, they might refuse to see someone else’s side of a disagreement or disregarding others’ views, beliefs, or opinions.

Self-centered people have a sense of entitlement. They frequently break rules because of carelessness, arrogance, or a lack of empathy that prohibits them from seeing how their behaviour affects others. They will perpetually do things their own way and take a “my way or the highway” approach to life.

Self-centered people are inconsiderate. They will often do everything on their own terms, without taking your needs or desires into consideration as well. For example, they might choose activities, restaurants, or movies that they prefer regardless of whether you like them or not. They don’t consider anyone’s preferences but their own.

Self-centered people are controlling. They commonly come off rigid or controlling, since they may want things to go exactly their way. 

Self-centered people are unable to receive or respond to feedback.

If you try to give a self-centered person any feedback about their selfish behaviour, it’s likely that they won’t take it seriously and won’t take responsibility for their behaviour, and might even become defensive.  Unless something is hurting or affecting them, it’s difficult for them to want to change.

Having a relationship of any type with someone like this can leave you feeling emotionally drained, resentful, angry and/or hurt. It will have a detrimental effect on your self-worth and your mental state.  There is a strong correlation between how we value ourselves and our mental health.  You cannot afford to allow the people in your life to continuously make you feel as though you are worthless. The next time that you question why a relationship with someone is one-sided, and before you point the finger at yourself, ask yourself this question first, “are you trying to have a relationship with is a self-centered person”?

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