How to Find the Right Romantic Partner

We often invest more time in selecting the ideal candidate for a job or finding the right job for ourselves. Yet, we dive in without much thought when choosing a romantic partner. We are often selected as the ideal candidates for a job based on personality, skills, experience, and intelligence. However, we don’t apply the same criteria when choosing a lifetime partner. Asking specific questions on a first date could scare off a potential partner. For instance, questions like, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” “What are your strengths?” “What are your weaknesses?” and “What are your future goals?” might be too intense for that initial meeting.  But seriously, why do we discover essential information about their suitability as partners only after we have become emotionally invested in their lives?  Deciding who to spend your life with, have children, and buy property with is undoubtedly more significant than choosing a job. Imagine choosing a candidate for a position solely based on their appearance and pleasant demeanour—what a recipe for disaster. That’s precisely what you risk by choosing a romantic partner based on these criteria alone. 

Do your homework

When choosing a life partner, it’s essential to take your time to truly get to know them. One of the best ways to understand someone is by being observant and gathering information about their family, goals, values, and beliefs. Consider how they interact with others in both their workplace and personal life. Pay attention to how they handle stressful situations and whether they are a team player. Reflect on how considerate, caring, and empathetic they are, not only toward you but also to the people in their lives. Evaluate whether their standards match yours, and assess their communication and problem-solving skills. Entering a relationship without ensuring your non-negotiable criteria for a partner are met can lead to unhealthy and unhappy outcomes. 

Personality Compatibility

Personality is an important factor to consider when selecting a partner. Have you ever had to work in an organisation with someone you had a personality clash with? How challenging was it to work with them? What was the final result? Did you continue collaborating with them or decide to leave? We’ve all heard the saying, “opposites attract in relationships,” yet research suggests that similarity is what leads to a satisfying, lasting partnership.  Life already has its challenges, so it’s important not to create additional tension by pulling in opposite directions with your partner. It’s easier to work together side by side towards mutual goals and to solve problems together than to spend time trying to convince each other. If you spend significant time and energy trying to change your partner, are you both truly compatible? I’m not suggesting you leave your partner for those reasons, but it might be beneficial to consider relationship counselling to better manage your personality differences and improve your relationship.  However, if you are looking for a potential partner, it’s wise to research personality compatibility before making a commitment. Are you both organised, tidy, laid-back, easy-going, goal-focused, career-minded, family-oriented, adventurous, outdoorsy, homebodies, introverts, extroverts, or team players? Do you prefer working alone, creatively, structured, routine-oriented, or carefree? While being overly pedantic isn’t necessary, you should consider what you might struggle with.

Degree of empathy

When choosing a partner, it’s important to consider their empathy. A partnership is a collaborative relationship between two individuals who work together towards shared goals and objectives, fulfilling both their needs and those of their partner. You should not be in a relationship just to serve as a convenience for your partner. You are in each other’s lives because you both gain more together than alone. For this to happen, both of you need to be empathetic towards each other and yourselves.  It’s important to consider both your own needs and your partner’s needs, and to achieve this both parties need to have empathy.  Without empathy, how can you truly understand what your partner is feeling, or truly be considerate? How can you make your partner feel valued? How can you provide your partner with what they need?  A partner who lacks empathy prioritises their own needs, behaving more like a selfish roommate than a romantic partner.  Before getting involved with someone, observe how consistently considerate, caring, and empathetic they are, not just towards you, but also towards others in their lives. What they do to others, they are likely to do to you. You don’t want to be with someone who is too self-centred to make you feel valued. Be careful not to confuse “overpleasing behaviour” with empathy.  Doing a lot for someone doesn’t necessarily indicate empathy. This behaviour may stem from a desire for attention or acceptance from others. They might seek this attention from specific individuals, which may not include you.

Choosing the right partner involves more than just chemistry and physical attraction.

To get it right, consider the following:

1. Don’t ignore red flags: Pay attention to warning signs in the relationship.

2. Value compatibility over chemistry: Chemistry is important, but compatibility is essential for a lasting relationship.

3. Don’t overemphasise physical attraction: Focus on deeper connections rather than surface-level appeal.

4. Avoid rushing into a relationship: Take your time to truly get to know the person.

5. Look beyond short-term feelings: Consider whether their values align with your vision for the future.

6. Evaluate who they are now, not who you wish they could be: It’s essential to perceive the person you’re with as they truly are.

7. Assess emotional availability: They should be able to communicate openly, show vulnerability, and connect on a deeper level.

8. Don’t choose a partner solely for comfort and stability: Seek a relationship that challenges you and helps you grow.

9. To truly understand yourself, you must be clear about your values, desires, and emotional needs. How can you choose a partner who truly aligns with you if you don’t understand yourself?