5 Common Mistakes People Make in their Relationships and How to Avoid Them

The five most common mistakes people make in their relationships are:

Over-pleasing
Jumping to inaccurate conclusions based on assumptions
Losing your own identity within the Relationship
Passive and/or Aggressive Communication
Bringing Baggage into the Relationship

1. Over-pleasing

For some reason people think that doing and giving more than needed will win a person over, and that they will receive the same back. We’ve all heard of the comment ‘give and take’ when referring to a healthy relationship, but unfortunately for some people the word ‘give’ is the only word that has been singed in their subconscious mind. Whether they have learned to over-please through observation perhaps of a parent, or they have learned it through years of avoiding a consequence, the truth of the matter is that – it does not work. Well at least not in the long-term. When you over-please you are basically constantly sending the other person the message, “I need you more in my life than you need me’. May that is the case but if the other person is not as giving as you are with them, then the only behaviour you will get from them is to ‘take’. You see, when you are over-pleasing someone who has an underlying self-esteem problem, then what you are actually doing is stroking their ‘ego’. What happens when something feels ‘great’? You want more. Now you’re probably thinking at this point, “so what, I’m a nice person who loves giving and making people happy”. That’s fine until you eventually notice that all the giving you’ve done all these months, years, and not receiving is starting to make you feel ‘unworthy, unappreciated, disrespected and not valued”. While you have been stroking someone’s ego and making them feel worthy and valued, your own sense of self-worth has deteriorated and suddenly you realise that you’re not really getting much out of this relationship at all.

Not only does the act of over-pleasing affect your self-esteem, but it also prevents you from screening people before becoming too involved. You cannot guarantee that every person you meet will be a genuine and non-toxic person. Over-pleasing camouflages your ability to work someone out quickly enough to not get hurt. How many relationships and friendships have you had to end because of something you found out after investing too much time and effort for too long? When you ‘give’ in a relationship (whether that be in the form of time, gifts, generosity, compliments, etc) and it’s not reciprocated then all you have identified is either a very selfish person, or most probably a toxic relationship. Finding this out in the early stages can save you a lot of valuable time and grief. So, the next time you are tempted to give to someone ask yourself this question, “Do they make me feel valued and worthy the majority of the time”?

Learning to ‘give’ and ‘take’ will save you a lot of time and heartache. Do something for someone then, sit back, wait to see what comes your way, and take note. It’s not about both ‘your turn, my turn’ and keeping it even, because for some people giving is something that makes them happy. As long as you feel respected and valued in your relationship then you have a healthy relationship. The sooner you identify a toxic relationship, the happier and healthier you will be. We rely on the way people treat us for mental-wellbeing.

2. Jumping to inaccurate conclusions based on assumptions

Another mistake that people make in their relationships is jumping to inaccurate conclusions that are based on assumptions and not facts. This habit is most common in people who have a tendency to expect the worst-case scenario and emotionally react to the situation without first assessing it. This habit can also develop as a result of accurate or inaccurate beliefs that have been formed about the person or situation. For example, If I believe that “people are untrustworthy”, then I am likely to take a comment or action as evidence to support this belief. I might assume that my friend who has not paid me back the money they owed me was taking advantage of me. But what if that wasn’t the case and they had just genuinely forgotten and paid me back as soon as I reminded them? Collecting facts before drawing a conclusion and then reacting accordingly can save you not only a lot of unnecessary emotional distress and arguments, but most importantly help you develop strong and healthy relationships. You see, giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them the opportunity to explain their comments or actions is an important ‘screening’ tool. What if you found out that your friend had a tendency to borrow money and not pay it back, and when you reminded them they gave you a weak excuse and a callous response? Continuously jumping to the wrong conclusion, making false accusations, and unnecessary conflicts can develop into resentment and cause a wedge between you and the other person, and damage to your relationship. While it takes time to break a habit, learning to assess a situation before reacting by first collecting your facts can not only save your relationships but also strengthen them. Asking specific questions to explain what they meant by a particular comment they made, “What did you mean by that, because I interpreted that comment to mean ….?” and asking them to elaborate on the subject to develop a better understanding will help avoid misinterpretations and in time, correct beliefs that you might have of the person or in general. When both parties respect each other enough to give each other the opportunity to explain their actions or comments, only then can a healthy relationship be possible. People are attracted to positive experiences and avoid negative ones. The less conflict, the healthier the relationship.

3. Losing your own identity within the Relationship

‘Finding yourself’ is not always an easy thing to do, and the sad thing is that for many people developing their own identity is something they never achieve in their lifetime. While low self-esteem is one of the most common reasons for this, being involved in a relationship with someone who is dominant is another reason. Passive people have a tendency to accommodate to the needs of others to avoid conflict and disharmony. Unfortunately, in doing so they run the risk of losing their identity within their relationship and living a lifestyle more suited to the other person’s needs and personality. A healthy relationship is one that allows two people to maintain their own identities within the relationship. That is, both parties being able to be themselves and be genuinely accepted by each other within their relationship. So, what does that mean exactly? It means that you are given the opportunity to exercise your personality, needs, values, and desires, and allow the other person the same. If you prefer to dress a certain way, favour certain foods, passionate about a particular cause, have an opinion about a certain topic etc., then you should be entitled to regardless of whether the person you are involved with agrees with me or not. So, why doesn’t this happen? Because we do not want to lose that person or be rejected by that person – so we accommodate and tolerate. The problem is that by doing this in the long run we end up only hurting ourselves. When we go against our grain it becomes exhausting and it eventually leaves us feeling empty and depressed. While there are a number of reasons why people develop a passive communication style such as, ‘learned behaviour’ from a passive parent for instance, another one is ‘fear of rejection, criticism or consequence’. If for example, you had an aggressive parent, you may have quickly learned that accommodating saved you from punishment and/or criticism. If this worked for you in childhood then you are likely to carry this ‘unhealthy coping mechanism’ across into adulthood. To maintain your own identity within a relationship you need to be prepared to face the possibility of losing the person who is not willing to allow this to happen, and not be frightened of losing that person who may not be healthy for you. You need to always consider yourself in every relationship you are involved with – work or personal. If you are able and willing to allow the person you are involved with to be themselves, then why can’t they do this for you? Sometimes, we can become so busy making sure everyone else is fine that we forget to do the same for ourselves. People are frightened of losing people that are not healthy for them but do not realise how great they would feel without having these people in their life. In saying this, you need to give people the benefit of the doubt. Explain how their behaviour makes you feel and hope that they value the relationship enough to want to make the necessary changes. But you too may need to change by being more assertive. Assertiveness allows you to express your feelings and communicate your needs in a tactful and clear way and allows the other person to do the same. Letting the other person know of your thoughts and feelings, and always considering your own needs is your responsibility in developing and maintaining a healthy relationship – allowing you the opportunity to do this and, being the same towards you is their responsibility.

4. Passive and/or Aggressive Communication

Life would be so much easier if everyone knew how to communicate but as you have probably already discovered, that is not the case. We either communicate passively, aggressively, passive-aggressively, or assertively, or all of the above depending on who we communicate with. Effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, this can only work at its best when an assertive person communicates with another assertive person. In a nutshell – a passive communicator is someone who does not express their feelings, rely on others to guess what they want, and hope to get what they want. An aggressive communicator is someone who tries to get what they want in any way that works for example, threaten, cajole, manipulate, use sarcasm and fight. A passive-aggressive communicator will use both depending on the person and situation, and in some cases, start off passively and end aggressively. An assertive person asks for what they want in a direct, open, confident and appropriate manner while always keeping in mind the other person’s rights and feelings. A relationship with one passive communicator and an aggressive communicator will almost always result in the passive communicator backing down and the aggressor getting their own way. A relationship with two aggressive communicators will almost always result in aggressive (verbal or nonverbal) fights. A relationship with two passive communicators will almost always result in avoidance and unfortunately anxiety. A relationship where two people can discuss, argue and negotiate in a calm manner, and are both prepared to accept whatever the outcome is one that will thrive and survive. While there are a number of reasons for poor communication – low self-esteem is the most common one. You might be thinking, “I can understand this about passive communicators but not aggressive ones”. Well if that’s what you’re thinking then you’re wrong. Most aggressive communicators like passive communicators both have one thing in common – low selfesteem. Aggression is often misunderstood for confidence. Why wouldn’t it be after all here’s this person yelling, pointing and standing over another person, how can they not be confident to do that? – well its simple, they choose who they can get away with doing this to – a passive communicator. You will very rarely see an aggressive communicator communicating in this manner with another aggressive or assertive communicator because they know very well that these people would not just stand there and take it. Now before you start thinking that staring boxing classes is the solution – think instead of assertiveness skills training.

5. Bringing Baggage into the Relationship

Bringing ‘baggage’ (as it is often referred to) into a relationship is another very common mistake that people make and sometimes without even realising that they are doing it. A significant number of the couples that I see for relationship counselling are cases where the problem is not with the relationship as such, but instead a personal issue that either in one or both that is interfering in the relationship. The personal issues can include, mental illness, ineffective ways of dealing with ex-partners and/or children, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self-esteem issues, non-assertive communication, conflicting beliefs and values, and insecurities to name a few. Relationship counselling in these situations will be ineffective if it is treated at the relationship level and not the person level. However, identifying the personal issues in a relationship is only the first step. The person/s identified as having the personal issues will need to commit to making the necessary changes within themselves for the relationship to improve. Unfortunately, as I have found when counselling couples is that not everyone is as committed to change for the sake of the relationship. This is often due to that person being use to the other accommodating and tolerating their issues. While change is not always an easy process to go through, I’m sure you will agree with me that for some it would certainly be a lot easier than having to deal with the inevitable hurt and grief of separation.

Corinne Coe, Psychologist

Is It Me or Is It You?